[DOG DOCTOR] “Hey, there! So how’s Bev been doing?” [MY DOG] “Good, good. Her hair is shiny. We W-A-L-K a lot.” “Great! Let’s get her up on the scale.” [ME] *refuses to move* “Sorry, she’s a little stubborn. Come on, let’s get up there! …

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

Where do I sign up? — I’ve been vaguely aware of companionship services for the last year or so, but they seem to be proliferating. One is actually called “Rent-A-Daughter”, which I find both amusing and aggravating. Of course it’s “daughter” and not “son.” Daughters are expected to be on call 24/7 for elderly parents. …

My parents never played with me. That wasn’t a thing when I was growing up. If I was lucky, my mom would pull out a board game on winter nights when the farm was quiet and needed less attention. We would play Sorry! while my dad watched TV and dozed…

Dear Morons: I know you think my boss is just sitting in the dark in his office like a robot on standby (don’t I wish) waiting for your call, but he’s not. I know this is hard to believe, but he has other clients. Lots of other clients. …

People have always done stupid things. It’s not like stupidity was invented in 2016, or that we somehow got even stupider in 2020 when the pandemic struck. It just feels that way. Do you know what colloidal silver is? It’s tiny little pieces of silver suspended in a liquid. …

Or science humor, apparently. — Yes, I know LinkedIn is a hellscape of tech bros and scambots, but I’ve actually gotten two leads for paying gigs from it by searching “freelance writer” jobs. One is for a content mill that I now technically work for, if only I had the time, and the other is…

Just when you think you know everything. — It’s not like I wanted to be a legal secretary. I didn’t toddle around as a child going, “But what I really want to be when I grow up is a professional servant in a field that thrives on abuse.” I wanted to be the usual. Archeologist. Cowboy. Cowboy who…

Welcome! I’m so glad you two are finally here! I rented a wood chipper for a few days and the clock’s ticking. Karl down at the VFW doesn’t ask any questions if you pay cash. I have to say, you have the most beautiful hair. Hold still. Well, yes, actually…