Please, for the love of God, stop asking about whatever it is you gave me. — Here’s the thing. Once you give somebody something, it’s gone. Let it go. That sweater you gave me last year? I could be wiping my ass with it. I could’ve given it to the Salvation Army. My dog might be wearing it. It’s no longer your concern. Please, I beg…

Dear C — : Thank you for your interest in applying for the position of Boyfriend here at Bev©, Inc. Here at Bev©, Inc., we strive every day to produce the highest quality relationship possible as long as it doesn’t take up too much of our time. A successful applicant…

With apologies to Nick Flynn — My mom is old. Really old. Like, OMFG, please do not let me get that old. So today we loaded up for a ride to the bank to break into her safety deposit box, which is the one thing I can’t make payable on death. I either get into it…

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

I’m so much more than just a bag of hot air. — Oh, hey! Wow, this is embarrassing. Americans almost never look up — I’ve been here lots of times, but nobody ever notices! Ha ha! Usually my little jaunts are kept on the down-low. But this time I messed up and got a little too down low, so to speak. Plus…

On the road again with mom. — [IN THE TRUCK] MY MOM (93): “What should I do with this fingernail?” ME: “What!?” “What do you want me to do with this fingernail?” “Just toss it on the floor.” “I’ll just put it in here.” [pocket on passenger-side door] “NO! Just toss it on the flo — ” …

Suggestions from Women’s Day magazine. — I read Women’s Day Magazine because my mom subscribes to it and I’ll read anything. Here are some of their suggestions for alternative uses for chopsticks, and of course, some of mine. Use chopsticks to eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos “to keep your fingers pristine.” Yes, you’ll be mercilessly mocked at…

America is not ready. — I woke up to an email from my boss telling me something that isn’t true, and then I got on the phone with my mom who also told me something that isn’t true. This is why my blood pressure is 137/85. And that’s on a good day. People are living longer, but are they living better? Here’s the nightmare…

Because we’re backwards, uncivilized animals. — Yes, I’m still obsessed with bidets. And in case you think Americans only recently became backwards, uncivilized animals — say, since 2016 — you are wrong. Bidets are a common fixture throughout the world and they were invented many hundreds of years ago (this isn’t a history lesson). It’s not…