I hate being sober. Everybody talks about how great it is being sober, how clear they feel. How “It’s a struggle, but life is so much better now” and on and on. I’ve been sober for 30 years and it fucking sucks. I think about alcohol every day. …

Please, for the love of God, stop asking about whatever it is you gave me. — Here’s the thing. Once you give somebody something, it’s gone. Let it go. That sweater you gave me last year? I could be wiping my ass with it. I could’ve given it to the Salvation Army. My dog might be wearing it. It’s no longer your concern. …

With apologies to Nick Flynn — My mom is old. Really old. Like, OMFG, please do not let me get that old. So today we loaded up for a ride to the bank to break into her safety deposit box, which is the one thing I can’t make payable on death. …

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

No, it’s not your child now. — I run into a lot of weird situations in my job. We practice mostly family law, and family = weird. There’s the usual “man with whole-ass second family that wife knows nothing about”. That’s nothing. That’s just another Tuesday. But there are two situations (right now, anyway) that I just…

Also, if somebody could bail me out, that’d be great. — I’ve got a little bit of a lead foot. Also, I have no idea how fast I’m going or what the posted limits are. Also, I don’t care. All of this adds up to a few speeding tickets, to the point where I know the routine (small talk, mild questioning…

This is how serial killers are made. — Look, I know I live in a rural area. But it’s not “cornfields of Iowa” rural. It’s not Tornado Alley rural. It’s not Bigfoot sightings rural (unless you count that time I heard something coming up the road in the dark while Hershey and I were outside and we almost…

1. Sacrifice a goat. 2. Watch cute goat videos on TikTok. 3. Take a trip to Chichén Itzá to watch the afternoon shadow of the serpent god Kukulcan slowly snake its way down the steps of the Kukulcan pyramid. 4. Wear a robe all day. 5. Bake a bread phallus. …

I was at the store a few days ago and somebody stole my shopping cart. I left it in one tiny, cramped aisle that contained items I’m sure nobody ever needs and sped away to grab the other things I was there for, leaving behind a 4-pack of toilet paper…