[DOG DOCTOR] “Hey, there! So how’s Bev been doing?” [MY DOG] “Good, good. Her hair is shiny. We W-A-L-K a lot.” “Great! Let’s get her up on the scale.” [ME] *refuses to move* “Sorry, she’s a little stubborn. Come on, let’s get up there! Show the doctor what a good…

We’ve all made this mistake at some point in our lives. — It’s easy to think that Ellen Chung, Jonathan Gerrish, their baby daughter, and their dog died from something sinister. When their bodies were first discovered on August 17, 2021, with no obvious signs of trauma, investigators ran through a list that included lightning, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, cyanide exposure, illegal…

“Have you noticed that she never has anybody over to her house? Like, ever. No friends, no kids, no grandkids.” “She must be a loner.” “Maybe she’s a serial killer. You know how they always say, ‘He was quiet. Kept to himself.’” “Yeah, and she’s really pale. …

And it’s not your dog’s fault. — Here’s the thing about windows. You can see through them. Which means I could see Matt Amodio’s dad (yes, that Matt Amodio) and his little rat dog outside (okay, it wasn’t a rat dog, it was a very adorable Shih Tzu) peeing on our shrubbery (the dog, I mean. Not…

ME: “Uh, hello? Tower guys? Testing, testing. Get yer motor runnin’, head out on the highway!” TOWER: “Zebra Alpha Foxtrot 551, is there a problem?” “Problem seems like a very negative word. I really don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life right now. Let’s call it a situation.” …

My boss is a yeller. He likes to say that he’s not yelling, it’s “just the way I sound.” Except, presumably, when he is, in fact, yelling. I left the office today when he started screaming at a client. Yes, a client — you know, a person who pays him…

Actress Anne Heche reportedly drove into the garage of an apartment building, fled the scene, and then crashed into a house, setting it on fire and suffering burns severe enough that she needed to be intubated. The immediate assumption is that she was drunk, particularly given her history. It’s just…

When my first boss decided to move to North Carolina with her 15 cats, I had to find another job. I scoured the want ads and found a position with an old-school, big-name attorney in the county seat. (“Old school” is code for pompous, male-chauvinist pig, but that goes without…

Not that I’m going to let a little thing like death stop me from going. — I usually wait a few days to go to the fair, just to see how many people are going to die right off the bat. One year everybody got E. coli from contaminated water lines. Nothing like a little fecal contamination with your overpriced lemonade. I picked up the worst…