Dearest Mother, I write to you from the depths of this Hellish place from which all hope has fled.

(photo: Bev Potter)

Dearest Mother —

I write to you from doggy jail, a Hellish place from which all hope has fled. The conditions here are unspeakable. My bedding is but a scrap of fabric thrown carelessly to the floor by the Warden (that would be you).

My cell contains no couch. No recliner. No second couch. No comfy pillows upon which to drool and fart. No Queen-size Sealy Posturepedic to lie across diagonally so that no one else has room to sleep except for one inch of mattress right at the edge.

And worst of all (I beg that you steel yourself…


Slice of Life

It’s not my fault you drive a red Ford Escape that looks exactly like mine.

Photo by Zach Vessels on Unsplash

Here’s a fun fact. Back in the days when trucks had actual keys, if you put the wrong Ford key into a Ford ignition, the truck would think “STRANGER DANGER!” and completely shut down. As in, call a towing company, because only a Ford dealership knew how to bring your truck back from the dead.

I, needless to say, found this out the hard way.

We’re a hard-core Ford family, mostly because my dad worked for Ford, and I still have access to the Z Plan. …


Humor

Photo by John Fornander on Unsplash

Dear Deer Meadow Residents,

We have had several complaints of multiple children (a veritable “gang”) driving and riding on golf carts in a manner that is unsafe to the children as well as to the residents of Deer Meadow. Most of this has occurred in late evening or at night, when we adults are afraid to leave the safety of our mansions for fear of being attacked by the proletariat.

We have a report of one accident with minor injuries when an obviously drunk five-year-old at the wheel of a GolfCart3000 veered into a catch basin while chasing a skunk…


Boy, was I wrong.

Photo by Dee @ Copper and Wild on Unsplash

I’m always fascinated by people who get bent out of shape because someone else is doing something that has nothing to do with them, that doesn’t impact them in any way, and is literally none of their business.

But of course, people like that — let’s call them bullies — always have an agenda. On social media, it’s to get eyes on their profile. Politicians like to say, “Any publicity is good publicity.” So if your schtick is to be a holier-than-thou bullying battleax, you always have to be on the lookout for a victim.

Pot-stirrers just want attention on…


A few tips from the trenches of the marriage wars.

Photo by Courtney Clayton on Unsplash

Here’s the number one mistake that people make going into a divorce.

They think their life is going to proceed exactly as it did before, but without the offending spouse.

If you’ve already tried to work things out amicably — counseling, sitting down together and valuing assets, working out a visitation schedule for the kids — and it’s all failed miserably, and you’re basically not talking, other than a few grunts in passing at soccer practice and hostile text messages, then you are ahead to Divorce Land.

And you better have the right mental attitude going in. Because Divorce Land…


Humor

None. Zero. Ever.

Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash

I have decided that unhappiness is the result of having expectations. If you expect something to happen, and then it doesn’t happen, what happens?

You’re unhappy. You were really counting on [insert thing here] happening, but it didn’t, and now what? That thing you were counting on didn’t happen and now you don’t have whatever was going to be the end result of that thing happening, and you are severely disappointed.

Every time I enter a writing contest or even buy a lottery ticket, my mind races off like a puppy at the beach and invents a bunch of wild…


Short Story

Who writes the story of your life?

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

The ground in the Past was still dead, but tall, tough grass had returned in patches, making it more difficult to search. Paz never brought anything with her when she crossed the shimmering border, so she had to be content with scratching and kicking the ground to make it speak.

After she was done filming for the day, she found Llura downloading sides in her bedroom and asked if she wanted to come. The Past wasn’t technically off limits, but it was monochrome and dirty. Most people had little interest in whatever lay beyond the border. …


History

Why an SS officer led an expedition to Tibet in the 1930s.

The Nazi Yeti (Source: The Times UK)

The words “Nazi” and “Yeti” don’t usually appear in the same sentence. But from May 1938 to August 1939, Reichsführer-SS Heinrich Himmler backed an expedition to Tibet led by Ernst Schäfer, a German zoologist and SS officer, in the hope of obtaining proof that the so-called “Master Race” was descended from the mythological snow beast commonly known as the Yeti.

Schäfer had a legitimate scientific interest in exploring and mapping the whole of Tibet, which left him vulnerable to Himmler’s primary goal of promulgating Nazi propaganda and proving the superiority of the Aryan race.

To gain official approval for the…


Humor

Now just lay back, relax, and stare into the sun.

Photo by Caroline LM on Unsplash

Hi! I’m Darla, your new dental hygienist! Where is Connie? Oh, she retired to a 55+ community that’s only for dental hygienists. The houses are all shaped like teeth. She bought a sweet two-bedroom back molar that is to die for. I’m so jealous— all of the good teeth will probably be gone by the time I retire.

Let’s get to know each other a little over the next 90 minutes of sheer, unmitigated torture that is your bi-annual dental cleaning.

Teeth are the best thing ever, am I right? I’m sure you agree, although you wouldn’t know it from…


Bow down and worship me, a Top Writer in Various Stuff

Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

I don’t usually complain (this is a lie), and I’m not really complaining now. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, right?

But I’d just like to point something out to anybody who’s still naive enough to think that anything makes sense on the internet, or that you can trust what you read.

Hopefully, we all know by now that you can become a “Top Writer” just by churning out a lot of stuff and slapping the same tags on all of it. I tag everything “Humor” and “Satire” if it’s even vaguely amusing. …

Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. Writer of humor, history, pop culture, and things that make you think. Twitter: @blade_funner

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