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You’re Raising Your Kids Wrong
A quick guide to childrearing by me, a person who has never had kids.
Excuse me. Hi, I was just sitting over there enjoying my daily egg white omelet with sprouted grains toast, reading a novel about a troubled, possibly alcoholic Norwegian baker with a dark past who solves crimes with the help of his cat, Fahrvergnügen, when I noticed that you’re raising your kids wrong.
Your little boy…Tyler, is it? I’m guessing that’s his name, but only because you’ve said it 15,000 times in the last 10 minutes, usually followed by the words “no” or “please stop” or “we don’t stab people without their permission.” I particularly enjoyed the 15-minute interlude when he dragged his chair back and forth across the hardwood floor and you ignored him.
I know you think that’s tough love. He obviously just wants attention, and the books all say not to negotiate with terrorists (your children being the terrorists in this scenario. How quaint.). But I think we’d all be a lot happier if you stopped trying to *huge air quotes* have a conversation with your kids, and started following my Rules of How to Raise Your Kids, by Someone Who Has Never Had Kids:
- Benadryl. It’s totally safe. I give it to my dog, so obviously you can give it to kids. Probably at the same dosage, plus, I think they have a grape-flavored liquid that’s super delish. Or…
