HUMOR

Your Health Insurance Company Explains Why Your Eyes and Teeth Are Not Part of Your Body

We are not obligated to provide coverage for luxury bones.

This is both very weird and bad for your enamel. (Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash)

Dear Policy Holder:

We here at Barely Adequate Health Insurance are often asked, “Why do I have to buy vision and dental insurance as separate policies? My eyes and my teeth are part of my body, right? So why aren’t they covered under normal health insurance?”

Good question (not really, but there’s something called “customer service”, which means we sometimes have to actually respond to your stupid emails).

For one thing, not many people are aware of the ancient war that has been waged over the centuries between medical (or “real”) doctors, dentists, and optometrists. The battle has ranged across continents, where insults were hurled and luxury vacation properties were purchased, each grander and tackier than the last.

Dentists have long been segregated into separate schools to learn their disgusting trade, and optometrists are basically just taught how to turn off the lights and torture people with puffs of air.

Personally, we don’t know why we ever progressed from old-timey barbers pulling teeth with pliers or a long string tied to a…