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Your Application to Adopt Has Raised Some Concerns
OK, you wanted to talk to me about my application, so here I am. I’m happy that we’re meeting face-to-face like this. I come across much better in person than I do on paper. That’s true for most people, I think — except maybe Charles Manson. Haha. Sorry, that’s just a little dark humor. No law against that, is there? Oh, there is? Well, I haven’t been keeping up with the news lately.
Anyway, let me just anticipate your concerns and address them one by one. First of all, you’re probably uncomfortable with my age. But I assume you’ve heard that 50 is the new 20. No? Well, you should get out more and stop spending so much time cooking gruel or whatever it is you feed these poor bastards. I mean, they are literally bastards, so you can’t tase me with your PC gun for that. Your face is very red, you should see my dermatologist. The man has the forehead of a fetal pig.
And don’t get the wrong idea. I am by no means “barren.” Women can have children well into their 80’s now, or so I’ve read when I click random pictures on my Yahoo home page. I have the uterus of a 30-year-old woman. I got it in Mexico, but only because the FDA has such a stick up its butt. I don’t see what the big deal is about people selling their organs to turn a buck. What did Adam Smith say about free markets? I have no idea, I’m asking you.
