Member-only story
HUMOR
Younger Me Takes Older Me Shopping
N to the O.
Jeans
[Young Me]: Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, if I don’t get these jeans by Glorbia Platypus, I am literally going to die. You don’t understand. Everybody has these jeans. I will be shunned if I don’t get these jeans. We read about shunning in history class yesterday. You don’t want me to be shunned, do you? They cost $179. Can you take me to the mall, pleeeeeeeeaaasssse?
[Old Me]: I’ve been wearing the same pair of jeans for 16 years. I bought them at the Gap Outlet store before it went out of business. They were originally $60, but I got them for $20 because one leg is shorter than the other. If I don’t put them in the drier, they’ll last me the rest of my life.
Shoes
[Young Me]: Ohmagird, just look at these boots. I have to have them. They have a 4-inch stacked heel. I look like Julia Roberts. They cost $385.
[Old Me]: I can only wear relaxed-fit Skechers with memory foam in wide. That means I get a choice of two colors: white or black. I wait until the ugliest pairs are on sale and then I buy multiples of the same style. I had to stand on my tippy-toes yesterday to reach the bank counter because I’m actively shrinking. I don’t care.
