You Should Drive Like It’s Death Race 2000 Out There

Just assume everybody is drunk because they probably are.

I used to drive around without a care in the world. I didn’t watch every approaching vehicle like a hawk, waiting for it to cross the yellow line and crash into me.

That was back in the days before cell phones and texting. How do people even text and drive? I can barely text when I’m not driving. I text with one finger, Ol’ Pointy.

I don’t know if I have grossly oversized thumbs or what, but if they get in on the action, nothing’s coming out the other side except alphabet soup and random emojis.

These kids and their dainty appendages. I’ve got hands like a coal miner.

As a legal secretary, I talk to people with DUIs. A lot of people with DUIs. We have probably three new cases a month, and we’re just a one-lawyer office in one city in one county in America.

Everybody tells the same thing to the cops — “I had two beers.” It’s always “two beers”, no more, no less. This is the magic number that people think won’t get them into trouble. But then they blow into the little machine that tells the cop, “Ooooo, you’re fibbing!” and off they go to jail.