Member-only story
Why I’m Never Invited to Picnics
Civilization has come too far for me to eat outside.
“Don’t go in the pontoon boat if Uncle Gary’s been drinking. When he drives too fast, that thing goes nose down. It’s a death trap.”
“Does that have mayonnaise? How long has it been sitting in the sun?”
“I wouldn’t eat the potato salad Cindy made if I were you. I guarantee there’s cigarette ash in it.”
“Miracle Whip is better.”
“Grilling meats makes them carcinogenic.”
“Is that a tick? I think that’s a tick.”
“These potato chips are too crunchy.”
“Did Aunt Shirley make that? Doesn’t she have, like, nine cats?”
*screaming while being chased by somebody holding a fish*
“I can’t believe I forgot my suntan lotion. I have to go to the store.”
“Does that have MSG? It probably has MSG. I can’t eat that.”
“I can’t eat that either.”
“Nope.”
*eating all of the hotdog buns*
“I’ll go to the store for more hotdog buns.”
“Who has my casserole dish? I need that back. No, seriously, I will hunt you down if I don’t get that back.”
