Humor

Why Don’t People Clean Inside Their Cars?*

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

Why is it that every time I get in somebody else’s vehicle, I come out feeling like a raw chicken breast rolled in bread crumbs?

It always starts the same way. You buy a new vehicle and you swear, swear to the New Vehicle Gods that you won’t eat in this one. No matter how hungry you are. No matter how big of a hurry you’re in. This time you’re going to keep the inside of your car clean. This time will be different.

In the immortal words of Douglas Adams, this time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

And then, like addicts everywhere, you start making promises to yourself.

You promise that you’ll be really, really careful and you won’t drop any French fries down your cleavage or any tartar sauce on your crotch. You can eat this dry, crumbly powdered donut without leaving a trace. You can do it.

Now, if that were true, you should really look into becoming an international jewel thief. Because if you can eat Taco Bell without coating the inside of your car with grease and lettuce confetti, you’ve got a big future in breaking and entering.

Right now my problem isn’t food…