What Your Favorite Candle Says About You
So you think you choose things, like candles, just because you “like the way they smell”?
You poor, naive, delusional fool.
As smart people* will tell you, everything you buy says something deep and meaningful about your inner self. Stuff you wouldn’t admit to your best friend. Stuff you wouldn’t admit to a priest.
Think about that the next time you’ve got your snout buried in a bag of potpourri at Walmart.
1. Crisp white linen
People who buy candles that smell like crisp white linen shave their entire bodies every morning. The only way they’ll have sex is if their partner first bathes in scalding hot water and then drenches their privates in hand sanitizer. They will not speak or make eye contact during the act. Like Jeff Bezos.
2. Vanilla
You shiver like a chihuahua every time somebody mentions their love of sushi or pad thai. You order applesauce as a side dish at restaurants. You have the conversational skills of a potato. Nail polish “makes your fingernails feel funny.”
3. Musk (including Mahogany Teakwood, Sandalwood, and Cedar)
Musk was invented in the ’70s by men with large mustaches and virility necklaces snagged in their chest hair. If you buy a candle that smells like musk, you are immediately whisked off to a commune in a van completely upholstered in orange shag carpet, even on the ceiling.
4. Cotton
See Crisp White Linen.
5. Citrus scents
You secretly want to try meth, but you’re too afraid. People on TV really seem to like it. You’re just so tired all the time. If only you had a little pick-me-up. Maybe this stupid candle will do the trick.
6. Floral
You wouldn’t know what a gardenia looked like if you were stabbed in the heart by one, but it smells fancy. Scattering floral-scented pillar candles around your 6000-square-foot McMansion is all part of your greater plan to become a Real Housewife of Dubuque. You eat cheese cubes with a frilly toothpick, even when you’re alone.
7. Fruits/Mocha/Cinnamon
You’re on a 700-calorie a day diet and all you can think about is food. You secretly hate your body, which is why you torture yourself with these delicious smelling candles: Marshmallow Hot Cocoa Fireside, Cinnamon Bun Pumpkin Latte Waffles, Candy Apple Pie Whipped Cream Birthday Cake. Sometimes you put toothpaste in your coffee just to feel alive.
*me
