What If Chicken Disappears? Suggestions From My Dog

We have…options.

Photo by James Barker on Unsplash

I am a dog. I like chicken. I like other things too: naps, rides, walks. Rolling in the grass. Rolling in mud. Rolling in dead things. I like a lot of things because, as mentioned previously, I am a dog.

But chicken is probably at the top of my list. My owner prepares a bowl that is *chef’s kiss* magnifique. She garnishes each meal with a smattering of microwaved, unbreaded chicken tender. I don’t know why. I don’t care why. Just keep it coming.

But I’ve heard talk that the chicken supply at the grocery store has become sporadic, and frankly, I’m concerned. I know, I know — I won’t die without chicken. I’ll just act like I’m dying. I’ll stare at my kibble, and then at my owner, and then at my kibble, and then at my owner, and then at my kib —

You get the idea.

Eventually, I’ll eat my dry, boring, unimaginative, derivative, old-school dog food. But I won’t enjoy it.

Sometimes my owner eats chicken, too. This doesn’t happen often because in her mind it’s “dog chicken.” I know. The mental image is horrifying.

Anyway, we have options, dogs and humans, in the event that, horror of horrors, the chicken tender supply dries up and we are left to our own culinary devices:

1. Squirrels. The rats of the trees. Don’t even begin to tell me they don’t deserve it.
2. Cute wittle bunny wabbits. We’re not going to get anywhere if you call them that, now are we.
3. Hot dogs. Okay, not as healthy as chicken. But look at this face. LOOK.AT.THIS.FACE.

Hot dog, por favor. (Photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash)

4. Pizza? Come on, it can’t be that bad for me. Humans eat a LOT of it. A LOT.

5. Not to sound like a broken record, but SQUIRREL!

6. Roadkill. Oh, sure, you only recycle when it suits you. That’s fine. Hypocrite.

7. Poop. I’ll admit, not everybody’s cup of tea. But if you people think you can detect notes of leather and woodsmoke in wine, let me tell you, that’s got nothing on poop. Especially cat poop, or…