What If Chicken Disappears? Suggestions From My Dog

We have…options.

I am a dog. I like chicken. I like other things too: naps, rides, walks. Rolling in the grass. Rolling in mud. Rolling in dead things. I like a lot of things because, as mentioned previously, I am a dog.

But chicken is probably at the top of my list. My owner prepares a bowl that is *chef’s kiss* magnifique. She garnishes each meal with a smattering of microwaved, unbreaded chicken tender. I don’t know why. I don’t care why. Just keep it coming.

But I’ve heard talk that the chicken supply at the grocery store has become sporadic, and frankly, I’m concerned. I know, I know — I won’t die without chicken. I’ll just act like I’m dying. I’ll stare at my kibble, and then at my owner, and then at my kibble, and then at my owner, and then at my kib —

You get the idea.

Eventually, I’ll eat my dry, boring, unimaginative, derivative, old-school dog food. But I won’t enjoy it.

Sometimes my owner eats chicken, too. This doesn’t happen often because in her mind it’s “dog chicken.” I know. The mental image is horrifying.

Anyway, we have options, dogs and humans, in the event that, horror of horrors, the chicken tender supply dries up and we are left to our own culinary devices:

  1. Squirrels. The rats of the trees. Don’t even begin to tell me they don’t deserve it.
  2. Cute wittle bunny wabbits. We’re not going to get anywhere if you call them that, now are we.
  3. Hot dogs. Okay, not as healthy as chicken. But look at this face. LOOK.AT.THIS.FACE.

4. Pizza? Come on, it can’t be that bad for me. Humans eat a LOT of it. A LOT.

5. Not to sound like a broken record, but SQUIRREL!

6. Roadkill. Oh, sure, you only recycle when it suits you. That’s fine. Hypocrite.

7. Poop. I’ll admit, not everybody’s cup of tea. But if you people think you can detect notes of leather and woodsmoke in wine, let me tell you, that’s got nothing on poop. Especially cat poop, or “hot snacks” as I like to call it.

8. Speaking of cats, I know this is beyond the pale, but tough times call for tough decisions. What’s the cat contributing to the household during these turbulent times? Hairballs? Wear and tear on the furniture? All I know is, I see a lot of resources being lavished on Satan’s Furry Minion over there, and we’re not getting a lot in return. This is purely a cost-benefit analysis from yours truly, the dog.

I’ll let you sleep on the idea. Now go make my chicken tender.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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