PARENTING HUMOR

What I Say When Somebody Tells Me They’re Pregnant Versus What I’m Actually Thinking

God help us all. (Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash)

I heard you’re having a baby! (You poor bastard.)

Do you know what you’re having? (I’ll tell you what you’re having — an evil demon spawn that will redecorate your entire house in crayon. I hope you like KAT scribbled in Burnt Sienna on your dining room wall.)

Better say hello to that college fund! (And say good-bye to any hope you ever had of retiring.)

Am I invited to the baby shower? (Please say “No.” I went to a baby shower once where the expectant mother was gifted something called a Diaper Tornado. I had nightmares for months. You think a Sharknado is bad? Just imagine a Diaper Tornado — actually, you’re probably going to experience that in about 9 months.)

Have you picked out a name? (Please don’t say “Ashleeaigh” or “Sonorous” or “Mystikal” or “Huckleberry”. How about “Brian”? I like “Brian”.)

How does your toddler feel about having a sibling? (And you thought Lorena Bobbit had jealousy issues. Just you wait.)

Minivans are much cooler than they used to be. (No, they aren’t.)

You’ll be a great parent! (I wouldn’t let you babysit a ficus.)