Humor

What I, A Childless Person, Imagine Being Pregnant Is Like

Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash

Deep in my womb, which I imagine looks like the inside of Scooby-Doo’s Mystery Machine, a sperm violently assaults my unsuspecting egg.

I immediately throw up. I continue to throw up every day for the next nine months.

As the baby grows inside me like the alien from Alien (or possibly John Carpenter’s The Thing, I haven’t decided which), my stomach swells like a water balloon attached to a garden hose. I’m concerned that I don’t have enough skin, but somehow I grow more skin? Unclear.

I need to take special prenatal vitamins, which technically means that all other vitamins are “postnatal”, even men’s.

These special vitamins are the size of horse pills because they need to contain every vitamin in the universe, including vitamins found only on asteroids which struck the earth millions of years ago. Also folate, whatever the fuck that is.

These vitamins are vital so that the baby isn’t allergic to air when it emerges from my stomach aquarium.

For nine months, I can’t use my hands for anything except holding my stomach so you know I’m pregnant.