What Do Hearses Look Like These Days?

Do they look like black Dodge minivans?

When I leave the nursing home at some godawful hour every night, I have to find somebody to buzz me out.

Good luck with that.

Logan, the new kid ( or “Shit, what’s his name? Logan?” I heard another aide mumble) didn’t know how. So I resolved to go up front and wait patiently by the door, swaying slightly as I fell asleep standing up. Like a horse.

I was saved by a guy who gave not one fuck that when you push the door without keying in the code, an alarm starts screeching so that no one escapes.

He was dressed completely in black like a cat burglar. Black knit cap, black pea coat, the whole nine yards.

At the curb sat a black Dodge minivan.

I pretended to take Hershey for a pee while I oh-so-subtly looked over my shoulder at the man and the enormous amount of noise he was making.

Now, in my experience, it takes two people to transport a live person. The gurney they use is padded, soft, and fairly complicated. They drive a vehicle that at least approximates an ambulance.

This guy was noisily pulling a gurney from the back of the minivan that was extremely utilitarian. It could…