Satire

Whacky Goop Merchandise, or Old-Timey Medical Cure?

Photo by Vanessa von Wieding on Unsplash

Which of these did Gwyneth Paltrow dream up while she was hammered on rosé, and which ones are old-timey medical cures? You’ll have to figure it out for yourself.

  1. Ear Candling. Melting candle wax into your ear in order to remove the wax that’s already there. That which does not make me deaf makes me stupider.
  2. Jade vagina egg. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s a jade vagina egg.
  3. Leeches. Please, Doctor, I have too much blood.
  4. Infrared sauna blanket. Infused with amethyst, tourmaline, and charcoal, this is a blanket for people who want to feel like a New Age rotisserie chicken.
  5. Cupping therapy. According to Wikipedia, this is a form of alternative medicine in which a local suction is created on the skin with the application of heated cups. Not to be confused with Anna Kendrick’s hit song, Cups.
  6. Exclusive Notecards with (infrared) Warmth. “A set of beautiful, cotton cardstock notes, each hand-stamped in gold-foil with “with (infrared) warmth” at the bottom.” I have questions.
  7. Cocaine for depression. I gotta tell you, this one seems like a pretty good idea.
  8. Trepanning. This is a fancy name for drilling holes into your skull, which is what you’ll want to do if you spend too much time on the Goop website.
  9. Urine to whiten your teeth. I haven’t heard about this on Goop yet, but it feels sort of inevitable.
  10. Vaginal steaming. The at-home alternative to dry cleaning your vagina.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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