Whacky Goop Merchandise, or Old-Timey Medical Cure?
Which of these did Gwyneth Paltrow dream up while she was hammered on rosé, and which ones are old-timey medical cures? You’ll have to figure it out for yourself.
- Ear Candling. Melting candle wax into your ear in order to remove the wax that’s already there. That which does not make me deaf makes me stupider.
- Jade vagina egg. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s a jade vagina egg.
- Leeches. Please, Doctor, I have too much blood.
- Infrared sauna blanket. Infused with amethyst, tourmaline, and charcoal, this is a blanket for people who want to feel like a New Age rotisserie chicken.
- Cupping therapy. According to Wikipedia, this is a form of alternative medicine in which a local suction is created on the skin with the application of heated cups. Not to be confused with Anna Kendrick’s hit song, Cups.
- Exclusive Notecards with (infrared) Warmth. “A set of beautiful, cotton cardstock notes, each hand-stamped in gold-foil with “with (infrared) warmth” at the bottom.” I have questions.
- Cocaine for depression. I gotta tell you, this one seems like a pretty good idea.
- Trepanning. This is a fancy name for drilling holes into your skull, which is what you’ll want to do if you spend too much time on the Goop website.
- Urine to whiten your teeth. I haven’t heard about this on Goop yet, but it feels sort of inevitable.
- Vaginal steaming. The at-home alternative to dry cleaning your vagina.