WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

We’re Getting Rid of OSHA and We Don’t Expect Anybody to Complain About It

Because dead people can’t type

Photo by Ümit Yıldırım on Unsplash

[For Immediate Release]

We here at DOGE, a.k.a. The Office of Geek Development, have decided to eliminate the Occupational Safety and Health Administration because it’s run by normal people who just want to help others, just like all of the other agencies we’re axing, like USAID which has the unmitigated gall to feed starving babies.

The nerve of some people.

One of our teenage administrators here at DOGE who goes by “Big Balls” online [Ed. Note: I am not making this up] and who has a full security clearance even though he’s an admitted hacker, says he once saw a guy driving a forklift that was on fire.

OSHA can’t stop stupid.

If you’re not smart enough to keep your tie out of the paper shredder, you deserve to die. We’re not running a nanny state here.

While we’re at it, we’re also doing away with the Bureau of Workers Compensation. Frankly, any agency that bases a monetary award for damages on how much of a limb you lose is creepy.

It’s like my grandma always said, “Shove it in past a joint.”