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Welcome To The Andrew Cuomo Memorial School For Not Apologizing
Please grope a seat.
Welcome! It’s good to see your hands wrapped around a cup of coffee instead of a woman’s breast.
I noticed that as each of you pulled into the parking garage, you leaned most of your upper bodies out of the car window in order to smooch the attendant in her booth.
I regret to inform you that this school is a smooch-free zone and actually begins on Interstate 480 right outside. Please unpucker your lips before entering school grounds.
Let’s get started.
You’ll see that I’ve written the most important sentence of your apology on the whiteboard. This is the sentence that has been handed down to us by our forefathers and their forefathers before them.
I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS.
This is of course complete bullshit and no one really thinks you mean it. It’s like when someone at work asks you, “How was your vacation?” These are just meaningless words strung together in a socially acceptable way. See also, “I love your new haircut” and “Any plans this weekend?”
It’s also important to radically minimize your actions. For example, if the press reports that you sexually harassed 11 women, attack this as RIDICULOUS and…
