HUMOR
Welcome to Mattress Universe
Not to be confused with any of the 12 other mattress stores just on this block!
Good morning, sir, and how are we doing today? I understand you’d like to return your mattress?
Oh, you’re bleeding. Did Skippy, our corporate mascot, hit you with his spinning cardboard arrow? I’ve got a box of Band-Aids here behind the counter for just such an occasion.
Now, where were we?
Ah, I see the problem. This is a receipt for a queen SlumberMaster mattress from Mattress World. We’re Mattress Universe. It’s an easy mistake to make. Our best-selling mattress is the ComaSleep. Maybe you’ve heard our motto — “Sleep like the dead.”
There’s also a Mastresses-R-Us just around the corner, not to be confused with the Weebee Mattresses on 5th and Lexington. But we’re pretty clearly not Slumber World, Soma City, Sleep Outfitters, PurSleep, Just Mattresses, or the guy selling mattresses out of his van in the mall parking lot.
Sometimes people will wander over from Pound Town looking for a bargain, but they’re really not our sort of people. All those water beds and ceiling mirrors.
If you need to get a permit to reinforce your bedroom ceiling for a sex swing, please, look…
