Dear C — :
Thank you for your interest in applying for the position of Boyfriend here at Bev©, Inc.
Here at Bev©, Inc., we strive every day to produce the highest quality relationship possible as long as it doesn’t take up too much of our time.
A successful applicant should be able to roll with the punches and adapt quickly to the highs and lows of the emotional marketplace, as well as being a professional masseuse and Michelin-starred chef.
I see by your resume that you were previously employed as a Boyfriend here at Bev©, Inc. from 2007 through 2015, but that you were released due to unsatisfactory job performance and failing to meet projected quotas.
When asked to explain your termination, you scribbled, “That’s not the way I remember it,” and “What is wrong with you?”
I also see that you accepted employment with a rival firm shortly after leaving Bev©, Inc., performing in the capacity of Boyfriend with that company as well.
It appears that you were with this rival firm for a period in excess of three years, until one day you texted Bev©, Inc. out of the blue and said, “Want to go to a movie?”
We here at Bev©, Inc. hold ourselves to a higher standard. People with whom we part ways are expected to stare moodily into the distance, preferably in profile on an empty beach or a wind-swept moor, and to shun all human contact for a minimum five-year period.
Breach of this non-compete agreement may subject you to legal action, not to mention what will happen when our social media people get ahold of it.
As you can see, yours is the only application that we’ve received for the position of Boyfriend because we here at Bev©, Inc. are loyal and don’t just accept every applicant that comes down the pike. Unlike some people.
Should you be chosen for the position of Boyfriend, you will be subjected to a full physical exam and rigorous medical testing, since we don’t know where you’ve been.
As always, eye rolling may be grounds for termination.
After your resume is put to the board, we will let you know the status of your application. Please allow two to four weeks for processing while we adjust to thinking about somebody else instead of just ourselves all the time.
Again, thank you for your interest in Bev©, Inc., where our motto is “You’re doing it wrong.”
Founder and CEO