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Satire
Under Growing Public Pressure, The CDC Revisits Other Guidelines People Think Are Stupid
Another win for ‘Murica
[BREAKING]
In a surprise news conference last night, a spokesperson for the CDC, Wally “The Waffler” Wombleton, announced new guidelines for various safety procedures that have protected the safety of the American people for decades.
“After the Ouija board… I mean, our experts… decided that Americans could slash the COVID quarantine period from 10 days to five-ish, we thought it would be a good idea to revisit some other guidelines that have been in place for decades.”
The press conference was paused at this point to accommodate Dr. Wombleton’s coughing fit as he lit another unfiltered Camel.
“What, these?” he said, tears streaming down his face. “These are fine. These are like health food. Tobacco is a vegetable.”
“Speaking of vegetables, who can possibly eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day? That’s insane. Not everybody is a… whaddayacallit? A vegematarian.”
Some of the guidelines adjusted or completely revoked during the press conference include swimming after eating and reintroducing cocaine as an ingredient in Coca-Cola.
