Humor
To The $25 Lip Gloss I Immediately Lost
I’m so sorry.
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Yes, I know I’m an idiot.
Yes, I know my past is strewn with the corpses of ChapSticks and, when I was feeling fancy, tubes of Blistex that were either lost or sent through the washing machine, never to recover from their white-water rafting trip through laundry land.
But you were so fresh, so sugary, so citrusy, so rush-y. In fact, that was your name: fresh® Sugar Citrus Rush Infusion Lip Treatment.
You popped up in my emails like a beckoning angel.
How could I resist your promise of 24-hour moisturizing? (Even though we all know it’s more like 60 minutes, tops, and that’s if I don’t eat, drink, speak, breath, or lick my lips.)
Maybe this was the answer I sought!
Maybe this was my entrée to the Promised Land where I wasn’t constantly pawing through my purse like a ground hog on meth looking for lip gloss every five minutes.
Maybe my thirsty, parched lips (the email included a picture of some particularly nasty lips and I have to wonder, are there models who specialize in that? Like, “Hi, I’m a chapped lip model. That’s all I do. Chapped lips.”) could finally feel hope deep down in their crinkly, cracked, painful, bleeding little hearts.
But like Daedelus, or Icarus, or Puff Daddy, or whoever it was (like, wax wings? Really? Hello?), I flew too close to the sun.
You were $25. That’s a lot of Benjamins for a glorified ChapStick.
Yes, I’m sure you’re made from goat milk and organically-sourced wax from bees that are treated humanely and possibly given spa treatments and teeny tiny manicures, but it’s still a ChapStick.
But wait! There’s more!
- This hydrating lip balm uses time-release technology for lip-activated freshness (lip activated LOL)
- Press lips together to trigger the cooling encapsulation system, while menthyl PCA (what the what now?) slowly breaks down for all-day minty moisture (you had me at “minty”)
