Humor
Things I’ve Never Done And Don’t Intend To Do
If they’re so great, YOU do them.
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1. Parachuting
This includes parasailing, paragliding, paratrooping, and pretty much anything else that starts with para-. It’s all bad. My mom’s neighbor jumped out of a plane for the first time on her 70th birthday. I’m convinced it was just so she could get attention on Facebook. Some people will go to any lengths.
2. Hot Air Ballooning
Not as bad as parachuting unless things go horribly wrong and you end up in essentially a parachuting situation, sans parachute. Wicker basket, gigantic open flames, fragile cloth balloon, no way to steer — what could possibly go wrong? The only way I want to be in a wicker basket is if I’m on a picnic, I’ve had an entire bottle of wine, and I know there’s cheese somewhere in the bottom of one.
3. Swimming with sharks
If there’s two things I hate, it’s swimming and sharks. Put them together and you have a recipe for disaster. They’re called sharks for a reason. Because they’re sharks. Do they look like they want company? Actually, they do. “Please,” they say, “come closer so I can eat you — I mean, admire your bathing suit.” The whole time you’re swimming with them they’re thinking, “Wow, you’re an idiot.”
4. Climbing Mount Kilimanjaro
I saw some kid do this, and I think a blind person, so surely it’s something I could actually, possibly do with enough sugar and caffeine. But how do you work a feat like that into everyday conversation in order to get enough mileage out of it to make it worthwhile? “You know what? I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, so make that a large fry.” “These Wheaties are supposed to be on sale, but since I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, I guess I’ll let it go this time.”
5. Go horseback riding.
I’ve actually done this but hope never to do it again. Mostly because I grew up around horses, all of whom hated me. As a kid, I had a buckskin mare that was fine walking diagonally across the paddock, but on the return trip would accelerate from 0 to 1000 mph for no apparent reason. Fortunately, she was short, so the ground was closer.
The last time I went horseback riding was on my honeymoon in Arizona. My husband’s horse decided to lay down in the middle of a creek, but it was hot, so I could sympathize. My horse, on the other hand, didn’t like to have dark-colored horses on its left side — because it was insane. Our guide wouldn’t stop talking about the time he had Tommy Lee Jones as a customer. Two hours of Tommy Lee Jones stories. I wanted to lay down in a creek, too.
