HUMOR
Things I’m Going To Do Instead of Working Out
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Eat a spoonful of peanut butter to prevent Type II diabetes and also give myself screaming heartburn which will restrict my caloric intake for the rest of the day.
Pick up downed limbs in the backyard while listening to Echo & The Bunnymen and mourning my lost youth.
Write this list.
Stretch out really well and immediately vacuum because when you get up close to it, you can see that the carpet is 90% dog hair.
Work half-heartedly on a piece for The New Yorker and alternate every five minutes between thinking it’s exactly what they’re looking for and God, what a piece of crap this is.
Make an expired kefir and iced coffee smoothie which tastes exactly as bad as it sounds.
Take the dog for a brisk walk, most of which will be spent scrolling my phone while she sniffs for 30 minutes at a place where another dog peed six months ago.
Think about picking apples to make homemade apple butter, posting a TikTok about it, and instantly achieving worldwide fame as “The Apple Butter Lady”.
Eat one square of high-quality dark chocolate and then immediately eat another square because the bar looked uneven.
Think about how Simone Biles Owens’ left pinky finger is in better shape than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
Drink 8 ounces of water and then pee every 30 minutes for the next four hours.
Go grocery shopping when I’m hungry and spend $500.
Burn 700 calories by trying to change the sheets on a bed that’s pushed into the corner.
Refresh my stats page every 10 minutes and try to figure out if the little bars are in increments of 50 or 100, or if I’ve been demoted to 10s.
