HUMOR
Things I’m Going To Do Instead of Working Out
Eat a spoonful of peanut butter to prevent Type II diabetes and also give myself screaming heartburn which will restrict my caloric intake for the rest of the day.
Pick up downed limbs in the backyard while listening to Echo & The Bunnymen and mourning my lost youth.
Write this list.
Stretch out really well and immediately vacuum because when you get up close to it, you can see that the carpet is 90% dog hair.
Work half-heartedly on a piece for The New Yorker and alternate every five minutes between thinking it’s exactly what they’re looking for and God, what a piece of crap this is.
Make an expired kefir and iced coffee smoothie which tastes exactly as bad as it sounds.
Take the dog for a brisk walk, most of which will be spent scrolling my phone while she sniffs for 30 minutes at a place where another dog peed six months ago.
Think about picking apples to make homemade apple butter, posting a TikTok about it, and instantly achieving worldwide fame as “The Apple Butter Lady”.
Eat one square of high-quality dark chocolate and then immediately eat another square because the bar looked uneven.
