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Things I’m Doing to Celebrate The Vernal Equinox or Things I Did During COVID Lockdown
1. Sacrifice a goat.
2. Watch cute goat videos on TikTok.
3. Take a trip to Chichén Itzá to watch the afternoon shadow of the serpent god Kukulcan slowly snake its way down the steps of the Kukulcan pyramid.
4. Wear a robe all day.
5. Bake a bread phallus.
6. Try to balance an egg on its pointy end.
7. Buy eggs.
8. Follow somebody on Instagram called TheBizzyPagan.
9. Jump over conversational fires involving guns, masks, schools, or abortion rights.
10. Jump over literal fires.
11. Place an orange in a bowl of water and wait for it to tremble when the sun is directly above the equator.
12. Sit in the bathtub and tremble.
13. Visit a monolith.
14. Stress eat Little Debbie snack cakes until I become a monolith.
15. Perform a sage-burning ritual.
16. Explain sage-burning ritual to responding emergency personnel.
