The Yard Sale Of Broken Dreams
Hi there! The weather’s beautiful today, isn’t it? Perfect for a yard sale of all my broken dreams.
Ah, I see you’re looking at my collection of engagement rings. I do need to disclose that some of them may be slightly cursed. A quick dunk in holy water and they should be fine. What size are you looking for? My weight is up and down, so there’s something for everyone.
Yes, that’s a real diamond. I tried to sell it right after the divorce, but the resale value on diamonds is crap. My ex-husband paid $8000. I’ll let you have it for $100, cash on the barrelhead. No? $10? How about a bite of that candy bar you’re eating?
For some reason, my insurance company didn’t believe me when I told them I “lost” it salmon fishing in the Yukon with the crew of Deadliest Catch.
I was actually shopping for engagement rings when the pandemic broke out. But then everything kind of fell apart when I found out my boyfriend is an idiot who believes in conspiracy theories and voted for Trump. That’s him over there — wave, honey! Yes, he’s wearing a sign that says “$1.00 OBO.”
Don’t walk away! I can work with you on the price!
Hey there! No, I’m sorry, I can’t “sign my Master’s Degree over to you”. It really only works if we both have the exact same name. It’s 100% vegan. I don’t think they print diplomas on sheepskin anymore, in case you were worried. Oh, you weren’t? Well, I was just thinking about the sheep. (cough) *animal hater* What? I didn’t say anything.
That diploma would look great hanging on an office wall. Nobody really looks too closely at those anyway. I call it The Calligraphy Effect — you could hang up a diploma from clown college and people would be impressed.
My boss hung up a certificate he got in high school next to his law degree. I guarantee nobody’s noticed. They’re too busy having a stroke when he tells them his hourly rate.
That table over there is loaded with jeans I’m never going to fit into again. See it? Right next to all the maps I was going to use when I backpacked across Asia. It’s okay, I shave now.
The table next to that is nothing but yoga accessories and my audition tapes for…