Humor

The Worst Cereal In The Universe

As something of a breakfast cereal aficionado, I feel compelled to warn others of my ilk (God, what a great word) about hideous abominations disguised as cereal, such as the new CLIF brand cereal.

Am I even allowed to do this? Am I allowed to bash a cereal on the internet? Let’s find out.

I don’t even have the chocolate & peanut butter version. I have the honey & peanut butter version, but one assumes in the best scientific tradition that both are equally bad.

This cereal gives me pain, literal pain, when I eat it.

Maybe it’s the quinoa. Maybe it’s the sorghum and buckwheat (what am I, a Missouri homesteader?). Maybe it’s the organic cassava fiber, whatever a cassava is. I think it’s a melon?

So why do I keep eating it, you ask? Because I’m an idiot, for one thing. But also because I’m not a quitter, and I paid good money for this stupid little box of cereal that promised 8g of protein, 7g of fiber, and 30g of whole grains, whatever that even means.

Speaking of fiber, here’s a real thing I just found on Amazon: