The Top Ten Ways That I Will Die
- Running down the stairs in flip-flops.
- Really, doing anything in flip-flops.
- Setting my hair on fire because I like to burn candles on the bathroom counter while I get ready for work.
- Severing an artery when I try to open one of those tough plastic clamshells without using scissors because that takes too much time. Whereas, it only takes a few seconds to bleed out in my living room.
- Veering off the road and hitting a tree while I’m driving because I’m too busy looking at somebody’s dog/sheep/horse/cow/goats. Much like Hemingway, my last words will be, “Sheep!”
- Cleaning the gutters while standing on an ancient ladder because I’m too cheap to buy a new ladder or hire somebody to clean the gutters. It’s only two stories. I’d probably survive the fall and die of exposure.
- Having a heart attack when I almost step on a snake.
- Being electrocuted (again) when I cut through the power cord to the hedge trimmers while I am, in fact, using the hedge trimmers.
- Choking to death on pizza cheese.
- Being poisoned because I keep licking my finger to smooth a bead of caulk instead of dipping my finger in water like the tube says.
Choking to death from taking a fiber supplement without sufficient liquid.