The Top Ten Ways That I Will Die

It’s a miracle I’ve lived this long.

Yep, this could happen. (Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash)
  1. Running down the stairs in flip-flops.
  2. Really, doing anything in flip-flops.
  3. Setting my hair on fire because I like to burn candles on the bathroom counter while I get ready for work.
  4. Severing an artery when I try to open one of those tough plastic clamshells without using scissors because that takes too much time. Whereas, it only takes a few seconds to bleed out in my living room.
  5. Veering off the road and hitting a tree while I’m driving because I’m too busy looking at somebody’s dog/sheep/horse/cow/goats. Much like Hemingway, my last words will be, “Sheep!”
  6. Cleaning the gutters while standing on an ancient ladder because I’m too cheap to buy a new ladder or hire somebody to clean the gutters. It’s only two stories. I’d probably survive the fall and die of exposure.
  7. Having a heart attack when I almost step on a snake.
  8. Being electrocuted (again) when I cut through the power cord to the hedge trimmers while I am, in fact, using the hedge trimmers.
  9. Choking to death on pizza cheese.
  10. Being poisoned because I keep licking my finger to smooth a bead of caulk instead of dipping my finger in water like the tube says.

Bonus death:

Choking to death from taking a fiber supplement without sufficient liquid.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. I ❤ dogs. @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store