Humor

The Top Ten Ways I Would Change If I Won The Lottery

I’d still be the same person, but rich.

Photo by Delaney Dawson on Unsplash
  1. Clean sheets. Every. Single. Day.
  2. Hire a cleaning person. Of course, I’d have to clean before they showed up because there’s no way I would let a stranger see the way that I actually live.
  3. All the dogs.
  4. Name-brand cereal. The really expensive ones down at the end. If I even look at those cereals now, alarms go off.
  5. So much cheese.
  6. Weird fruit. I would basically turn into a kiwi. And I wouldn’t even care if one got mushy and I had to throw it away. I wouldn’t act like it was a member of my family that had died, like I do now.
  7. Starbucks. Every. Single. Day. I’d be one of those obnoxious people that the baristas address by name before chirping, “The usual?” like it’s a dive bar on the East side of Cleveland and not an obscenely expensive yuppie oasis.
  8. More than one pair of jeans. Maybe as many as two, but I would still have a favorite pair, and then a “dress up” pair that was slightly less faded.
  9. If I lost my gloves, I could just buy another pair of gloves, without beating myself up over the fact that I have, in fact, lost another pair of gloves, and gloves don’t just grow on trees, now do they?
  10. Caviar. Do I like caviar? Probably not. But I’d feel better if I had a little jar in the fridge, next to the three-year-old bottle of jalapeno slices.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. I ❤ dogs. @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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