The SheeranMaid’s Tale

June, 2011

Dear Diary: I heard a song today called “The A Team”. Catchy. Seems to be about a young prostitute and, I don’t know - snow maybe? Donuts? Didn’t hear any references to Mr. T, so probably not connected.

December, 2011

“The A Team” is on heavy rotation, everywhere, all the time. Ed Sheeran looks like a human flounder. I hope he’s a one hit wonder, like that Lady Gaga. She’ll never last with a silly name like that. Who does she think she is, Nickleback?

August, 2012

What happened to rock and roll? I blame grunge. And Disney. The All-New Mickey Mouse Club was a mistake, like sending an away team to explore an alien cave that turns out to be full of weird, angry eggs and then bringing the eggs back to the ship because they’re just eggs, right? Except that these eggs were named Britney and Justin and they ate the insides out of music. On the plus side, Ed Sheeran has pretty much disappeared, thank goodness. If I heard “The A Team” one more time I was going to stomp on my Zune MP3 player which also has a built in FM receiver, how cool is that?

*gestures over entire body* This part is too busy.

April, 2014

Look. He seems like a nice enough guy, don’t get me wrong. But what is Ed Sheeran looking at? Me? A girl three rows over? Hard to tell. And I have this horrible feeling that he will spawn a million Ed Sheeran wannabe’s. Sensitive, pasty-white little boys with no body hair and too many tattoos. Maybe I’m wrong. Mumford and Sons seem like a step in the right direction. I think they’re going to be around for a very long time.

July, 2017

I’m pretty sure Alexa is just fucking with me, because not every song can be by Ed Sheeran, right? RIGHT? Ed Sheeran, you long-haired ginger Muppet. And what is with “Galway Girl”? The man has incrementally evolved into a cross between Enya, Riverdance and Finnian’s Rainbow — and no one is stopping him! I mean, she beat him at darts and then she beat him at pool! I think he’s seriously misreading her signals.

February, 2027

OK, I get it, alright? Ed Sheeran is what Elvis would have been if Elvis had been a long-haired ginger Muppet instead of a piece of Southern-fried tofu.

Edtember, in the Year of Our Ed, 2040

Skynet is now playing one Chainsmokers song featuring Halsey for every five Ed Sheeran songs. Which is nice. I have joined a resistance movement, but progress is slow. It’s difficult to think with “Closer” playing every hour — Skynet just hums along tunelessly because it still doesn’t know all the words. Also, every woman is named OfEd, which gets really confusing and makes it hard to have a conversation because you’re like “Are you talking to me?” all the time. Word around town is that Our Holy Ed is kept alive in an underground bunker, despite having been poisoned by the tattoo of a very special graham cracker that he ate when he was five. But these are just Rumours, which is also the name of an album released by Fleetwood Mac in 1977. Wait, do I hear someone coming? Oh no, I’ve said too much, I haven’t said enou

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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