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The Lab Monkeys That Escaped After A Highway Crash In Pennsylvania Were Definitely Just Normal Monkeys
We caught most of them and hardly anybody has been turned into a zombie.
We here at the National Institutes of Health have called this press conference to dispel the rumors floating around that the lab monkeys involved in the highway crash out on Interstate 80 were anything other than perfectly normal, non-zombie pathogen carrying monkeys.
Yes, initially we said that all of the monkeys were accounted for. But there were 100 of them, and that’s a pretty big number even for us scientists.
You try counting 100 screaming, freaked out monkeys while they hightail it to freedom. Especially considering that they almost immediately learned how to ride horses, set traps for humans, and use small firearms.
It’s just a coincidence that the one monkey we still can’t find is named Caesar.
Nonetheless, we did eventually round up most of the monkeys and only one unfortunate woman is being treated for “rabies.”
I’m sorry, what was that? I made giant air quotes with my fingers when I said “rabies”? I didn’t mean to. It’s just a…
