I just read an article that said for maximum immortality, you should drink four cups of green tea AND two cups of coffee every day.
You know what that is? That’s a one-way ticket to pee-town. That’s a night ride on the pee-train. That’s a for-the-love-of-God-just-stop-anywhere pee-cation.
Yes, hydration is important for immunity, well-being, plump skin, juicy vertebrae, and perky nipples. But here’s what you should really be doing with those eight cups of sky juice every day.
SPRAY PEOPLE WHO GET TOO CLOSE
I was going to suggest a water pistol, but that could get you shot. How about a plant mister? If somebody gets too close to you at the store, do your best Devo impression and mist ’em, mist ’em good.
WASH YOUR HANDS
The CDC keeps stressing the importance of this, but how often do you see people actually washing their hands? To be a true pandemic star, whip out a water bottle while standing in line at the bank and lather up. Sure, you’re going to hear a lot of, “What the f*ck is wrong with you?” and “No, honey, don’t touch the squishy carpet.” But you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’ve proudly demonstrated your adherence to government guidelines for all the world to see instead of hiding in some dingy McDonald’s restroom.
WASH OTHER PEOPLE’S HANDS
This could get a little dicey, what with laws against suddenly grabbing people without their consent and pouring water on their exposed body parts. But it’s for their own good. People will come around to your way of thinking eventually, and soon everybody will be standing in a small pool of soapy water waiting to buy stamps at the post office.
A Note To The Person Who Parked Right Next To Me In An Empty Parking Lot
Really, I’m flattered, but get away from me.
My Dog’s Letter To Me From Doggy Jail
Dearest Mother, I write to you from the depths of this Hellish place from which all hope has fled.