Humor

The Importance of Hydration in These Unprecedented Times

Image for post
Photo by Erda Estremera on Unsplash

I just read an article that said for maximum immortality, you should drink four cups of green tea AND two cups of coffee every day.

You know what that is? That’s a one-way ticket to pee-town. That’s a night ride on the pee-train. That’s a for-the-love-of-God-just-stop-anywhere pee-cation.

Yes, hydration is important for immunity, well-being, plump skin, juicy vertebrae, and perky nipples. But here’s what you should really be doing with those eight cups of sky juice every day.

SPRAY PEOPLE WHO GET TOO CLOSE

I was going to suggest a water pistol, but that could get you shot. How about a plant mister? If somebody gets too close to you at the store, do your best Devo impression and mist ’em, mist ’em good.

WASH YOUR HANDS

The CDC keeps stressing the importance of this, but how often do you see people actually washing their hands? To be a true pandemic star, whip out a water bottle while standing in line at the bank and lather up. Sure, you’re going to hear a lot of, “What the f*ck is wrong with you?” and “No, honey, don’t touch the squishy carpet.” But you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’ve proudly demonstrated your adherence to government guidelines for all the world to see instead of hiding in some dingy McDonald’s restroom.

WASH OTHER PEOPLE’S HANDS

This could get a little dicey, what with laws against suddenly grabbing people without their consent and pouring water on their exposed body parts. But it’s for their own good. People will come around to your way of thinking eventually, and soon everybody will be standing in a small pool of soapy water waiting to buy stamps at the post office.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. The Haven, Tenderly, The Junction, @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store