Humor

The Importance of Hydration in These Unprecedented Times

Let’s get moist.

Photo by Erda Estremera on Unsplash

I just read an article that said for maximum immortality, you should drink four cups of green tea AND two cups of coffee every day.

You know what that is? That’s a one-way ticket to pee-town. That’s a night ride on the pee-train. That’s a for-the-love-of-God-just-stop-anywhere pee-cation.

Yes, hydration is important for immunity, well-being, plump skin, juicy vertebrae, and perky nipples. But here’s what you should really be doing with those eight cups of sky juice every day.

SPRAY PEOPLE WHO GET TOO CLOSE

I was going to suggest a water pistol, but that could get you shot. How about a plant mister? If somebody gets too close to you at the store, do your best Devo impression and mist ’em, mist ’em good.

WASH YOUR HANDS

The CDC keeps stressing the importance of this, but how often do you see people actually washing their hands? To be a true pandemic star, whip out a water bottle while standing in line at the bank and lather up. Sure, you’re going to hear a lot of, “What the f*ck is wrong with you?” and “No, honey, don’t touch the squishy carpet.” But you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’ve proudly…