Humor

The Daily Agenda Of A Struggling Writer

It’s not all turtleneck sweaters and scholarships to Bread Loaf.

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

7:00 AM: Wake up. Wonder why it’s still so dark. Compulsively think of synonyms for “dark.” Pitch black. Inky. Stygian. Vow to use “stygian” in a sentence today.

7:01 AM: Open eyes. Vow that you won’t check your stats until at least noon.

7:02 AM: Check stats.

7:30 AM: Crawl out of bed wearing literary mag T-shirt (“Starving, Hysterical, Naked”). Do a shot for Ernest, a line for Hunter, and roll outside in the mud for Cormac. vow not to use punctuation or capitalization today

8:00 AM: Light breakfast of toothpaste and dry toast to get in proper artistic mindset. Think Thoreau. Think Neal Cassady. Vow that when you’re a famous author you’ll be patient and kind to your fans, even the assholes. Practice writing your name on various surfaces.

9:00 AM: Check stats.

9:01 to 9:30 AM: Existential depression.

9:30 to 10:00 AM: Lay on the floor listening to Enya and tell your friends you do yoga.

11:00 AM: Check stats.

11:01 AM: Clean entire bathroom and reorganize all of your earrings.