The Care And Feeding Of Your Amateur Golfer

It’s not for everyone.

Bev Potter
3 min readSep 25, 2021
Photo by Morgan David de Lossy on Unsplash

Congratulations on your decision to date/life partner with/marry an amateur golfer! You don’t know it yet, but you deserve a medal!

The first thing you should know is that all amateur golfers are male. None of the following applies to female amateur golfers because, as women, they were born with common sense.

While sightings of female amateur golfers do occasionally occur, you’ll encounter much less cussing/club throwing/cheating should you choose to approach.

It’s amazingly easy to feed your amateur golfer since they can subsist for days on only two lukewarm hotdogs, a bag of chips, and a red cup full of flat beer. You should charge your amateur golfer $50 for this meal to make him feel more comfortable in his surroundings.

It also helps if you can find a bubbly young woman to serve it to him out of the back of a golf cart. Split the tips!

I know someone who’s paying her way through Vanderbilt by being a cart girl and she doesn’t even have to get naked!

Your amateur golfer will say things to you that at first seem incomprehensible, such as, “It was slow coming around the back nine”, or, “Bob got an ace, that lucky bastard.”

You can respond to almost any comment your amateur golfer makes with, “That’s great, honey!” or “That’s too bad, honey!”

Over time, you’ll learn through their body language and tone which response is appropriate, much like Jane Goodall did when learning to live with chimpanzees.

A few tips to remember:

  1. OB means “out of bounds”. You’d think it would be OOB, but you would be wrong. Maybe OOB reminds them of “BOOB”, which would distract them from their game. The cart girls are bad enough.
  2. Yell “Fore!” during lovemaking.
  3. Scatter tiny pencils around the house.
  4. Dress only in pastels or alternatively very loud colors. There is no in-between.
  5. Offer to wash his balls on a regular basis.



Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is