Humor

Survivor: Island of Misfit Toys

Why doesn’t anybody have any teeth?

(image: CBS Television

[TOY HORSE]

*eyes darting nervously from side to side* I’m not even supposed to be here. Winged Bear dropped out because he got worms from eating an elf (who was also a dentist? Da fuck?) and White Rocking Horse disappeared into the jungle mumbling something about being an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill— I don’t even want to know what that’s all about — so Jeff Probst called me and told me I was on. But then I fell during the Doing Insanely Dangerous Things With Giant Logs challenge and broke my leg. The assistant producer just came to my tent and told me I’m not healing fast enough — well, I’m a fucking horse, right? So he said they’re going to “do what needs to be done” and made finger guns at me. What does that even mean?

Oh, God, they’re coming.

[DOLLY FOR SUE]

*taking long drag on cigarette* I’ll do whatever it takes to win. These freaks won’t know what hit them. A train with square wheels? A bird that swims instead of flies — oh, you mean a penguin? Real inventive. Hey, Probst, you ever do it with a doll? *uncrosses and crosses legs* It’s nice.

[COWBOY WHO RIDES AN OSTRICH]