Survivor: Island of Misfit Toys

Why doesn’t anybody have any teeth?

(image: CBS Television


*eyes darting nervously from side to side* I’m not even supposed to be here. Winged Bear dropped out because he got worms from eating an elf (who was also a dentist? Da fuck?) and White Rocking Horse disappeared into the jungle mumbling something about being an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill— I don’t even want to know what that’s all about — so Jeff Probst called me and told me I was on. But then I fell during the Doing Insanely Dangerous Things With Giant Logs challenge and broke my leg. The assistant producer just came to my tent and told me I’m not healing fast enough — well, I’m a fucking horse, right? So he said they’re going to “do what needs to be done” and made finger guns at me. What does that even mean?

Oh, God, they’re coming.


*taking long drag on cigarette* I’ll do whatever it takes to win. These freaks won’t know what hit them. A train with square wheels? A bird that swims instead of flies — oh, you mean a penguin? Real inventive. Hey, Probst, you ever do it with a doll? *uncrosses and crosses legs* It’s nice.


That whore.


We haven’t come out to our parents yet. Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Michael and I are forming a permanent alliance! You probably already guessed, since I always folded my clothes neatly and asked my guidance counselor if “entertainment gossip” was a career choice. Michael asked me to marry him during the Insanely Boring Stand On A Block and Keep One Hand On A Totem Pole challenge. We’re not inviting Aunt Karen and Uncle Duane to the wedding, so just get used to the idea. We’ve both had it up to here with rednecks. Why does nobody here have teeth? We heard the elf was a dentist, but we haven’t seen him around lately.


The baby probably isn’t even mine.


The boys and me are forming an alliance with the Giant Spotted Asshole. At least I’m a mouse — a perfectly normal mouse that happens to live in the bowels of a nightmare. In what world does an elephant have spots? Oh, that’s right — he’s a misfit. Wow. Subtle.


I was a man once, before the accident. A whole man. I had a wife, a family, a good-paying job down at the googly eye factory. Look at me now. I’m just a dick in a box. What are you laughing at? I’m going to win this game, and then I’m gonna buy some legs and kick your ass.


She’s probably not even pregnant.


I don’t trust that Dolly for Sue. Every time I turn around she’s pulling my trigger and making me squirt. She’s insatiable. She’s got some kind of drama going on with the guy riding the ostrich (I know this is an arctic island, but I feel like it’s Africa too?). No way am I getting involved in some weird throuple with a doll, a cowboy, and a fugly bird.


It’s sad that we haven’t made more progress as a society. A fire truck should be whatever color it feels is right, in its heart. By the way, does anybody know where I can sink my winnings to dodge the IRS? I don’t want to go to prison like the naked guy. Has anybody seen that elf, Hermie? I think he’s a dentist? He’d have some ideas. Those guys make a fortune.


Hermie’s family is going to sue the fuck out of us.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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