CHRISTMAS HUMOR
Please Help, I Have No Idea How to Care for This Hippopotamus I Got for Christmas
And I’m breaking several international wildlife treaties.
Look, I know I asked repeatedly for a hippopotamus for Christmas, and in fact insisted that only a hippopotamus would do, but I think I was probably speaking metaphorically.
Or maybe I meant that game, Hungry Hungry Hippos, since I am, after all, a small child, and no one in their right mind would give a small child a live hippopotamus for Christmas.
And where in God’s name does it say that hippos need to be massaged? I don’t remember Sir David Attenborough ever mentioning that, while he stood several hundred feet away and forced his cameraperson to get a tighter shot.
I never heard him say, “The hippo is the most high-maintenance of all the aquatic mammals and requires a daily massage.”
And it’s frankly irrelevant if a hippopotamus will fit in a two-car garage. Who even tested this hypothesis?
Where are my parents going to put their cars? My dad has a kayak and seven broken tents in there too — you’re telling me he needs to rent a storage unit because he…
