Humor

Pandemic Meals For One That Will Have You Saying “Please, God, When Will This Be Over?”

A list of recipes that are high in cholesterol and low in self-esteem.

Photo by Wright Brand Bacon on Unsplash

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far —

Look, just say “a long time ago,” okay?

A long time ago, I made something called “meals.” These involved putting together several different items of food, also known as “ingredients,” and — wait, let me pull up a dictionary — “cooking” them. A lot of my cooking involved pasta, which is not exactly haute cuisine, but at least I had to boil water.

I don’t even bother looking at recipes anymore. If it calls for more than one ingredient, it’s too much work. Now I consider the following to be legit meals for one during these, the most unprecedented of times:

Bacon

That’s it, that’s the meal. Strips of irradiated pork. Dab the finished product with some paper towels if they haven’t been suctioned off the shelves by hoards of marauding parents. Eat with a knife and fork if you’re feeling fancy.

Cereal

I have — and I am not making this up — 20 open boxes of cereal in my kitchen right now. I like variety. So sue me.

Nuts

I am big on nuts, even though almonds are apparently destroying California along with every other force of nature known to man. Remember when we all wanted to live in California? Sun, sand, surf? Now it’s some kind of Hellmouth viral firescape that you could not pay me to visit.

Ice cream

Does it get any easier than this? All you need is a spoon. Belly up to the TV and watch your dreams die one moose track at a time.

TV Dinners

Okay, this is cheating. TV dinners are almost like a meal, in the same way that stevia is almost like sugar. TV dinners look like food and they kind of taste like food. But I have serious concerns about anything that purports to be a “dinner” that costs $1.00 on sale. Cat food costs more than that. My mom likes the ones from Banquet that are just called “turkey meal.” Banquet doesn’t have time for fancy words.

Corn chips

Corn is a vegetable. What more do I need to say?

Grilled cheese, peanut butter and jelly, bologna

Again, these are all veering dangerously near an actual meal, in that each combines various components of foodstuff and the grilled cheese is actually heated. What am I, royalty? Sometimes I warm my hands over the toaster like a Dickens character in a wintry London street scene. Then I pull out my phone and gaze lovingly at my last good meal, a thing of beauty eaten in a dream with people who are gone.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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