HUMOR

Ohio: The Most Boring Place On Earth

That’s a good thing.

Photo by Dana Lewin on Unsplash

I open my eyes on yet another day of fear, anxiety, and pain, or as I lovingly call it, “consciousness.” I’ll probably spend some time today thinking I have a tumor in my neck (it’s my Adam’s apple) or worrying that I’m having a heart attack. Hypochondria takes up a lot of my time.

Just about the only thing that doesn’t give me anxiety is living in Ohio, a.k.a The Most Boring Place On Earth.

Ohio was founded by pioneers headed to the Golden West who gave up a quarter of the way there and said, “Fuck it, let’s live here.”

We’re a state of underachievers. Our motto should be “Ohio: It’s good enough.”

Ohio doesn’t really have natural disasters, although growing up in the ’70s all anybody ever talked about was the tornado that basically wiped Xenia, Ohio off the map in 1974. We worry a lot about tornadoes here, even though they almost never happen. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a tornado siren.

I can’t imagine how people in Kansas and… whatever the other states are in that area — South Dakota? Missouri?… how the folks who live in “Tornado Alley” get any sleep at all.

I would basically just go to…