New Year’s Resolutions That I’m Pretty Sure I Can Keep

Give or take.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the key to success is setting the bar really low.

With that in mind, here’s a list of New Year’s resolutions that I’m pretty sure I can keep, for the most part:

1. Eat bread.

I eat bread with every meal. I eat bread as a meal. I see no problem with Panera giving me a piece of bread as a side to an order of soup that is literally served in a bowl made out of bread. In fact, I believe that more dishware should be made out of bread. Bread cups? Bring it on. Bread plates? Less to clean up. Bread tables? Architecturally unsound, but let me work on it.

2. Go to work.

I have nothing better to do. I might as well go to work every day for the rest of my life until I die.

3. Pet my dog.

If petting my dog were the same as losing weight, I’d be wafer thin. Try to stop my from petting my dog, see how far you get. Just don’t try to stop me from eating an entire row of Oreos (which is one serving, FYI).

4. Make my own clothes.

That’s right, from now on it’s homespun. People wear pajamas in the grocery store, so from now on I’m wearing nothing but rompers with crooked seams. Take that, Stitch Fix.

5. Spend less time onli-

Who are we kidding.

6. Get married.

This might actually, much to my bemusement, actually happen. Third time’s the charm, right? RIGHT?

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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