New Year’s Resolutions That I Can Probably Keep Based On 2020

I didn’t say they were good resolutions.

  1. Hide in my house like an anxiety-ridden rodent. Possibly a hamster. Everybody loves hamsters, right? I resolve to be a hamster.
  2. Gain 10 pounds. Way ahead of schedule on this one. Only two more pounds to go.
  3. Sink into a deep depression and yet continue to churn out things that are meant to be “funny” in a never-ending cycle of hope and despair. Look at all of the greats — Dostoevsky, Hunter S. Thompson, John Belushi. They were all depressed train wrecks, and yet they produced vast quantities of work and entertained millions of people. I resolve to be a weird, disturbing mash-up of Dostoevsky, Thompson, and Belushi. I’m going to need more alcohol.
  4. Wait patiently for the mothership to return. Wait, what? Forget I said that.
  5. Never touch another human being. This includes doctors. Hey, OB/GYN, get some binoculars. It’s a no-fly zone, there’s nothing’s going on down there anyway.
  6. Only eat cold take-out or food that I’ve made myself, also cold.
  7. Lie to myself that I could totally do those dances on Tik Tok, but that I choose not to. Also, Olympic-level gymnastics doesn’t look that hard and what’s the big deal about tennis? I could hit a fuzzy yellow ball with a banjo all day.
  8. Develop an interest in architecture. You have no idea how difficult it is to construct a model of the Louvre out of graham crackers and peanut butter. Seriously, architects have got it going on.
  9. Wear only stretchy clothes. Honestly, this is more of a “necessity” than a “resolution.”
  10. Wait patiently for the year to be over. 2022 is going to be the year of Bev, I can feel it.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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