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New Year’s Resolutions That I Can Probably Keep Based On 2020
I didn’t say they were good resolutions.
2 min readDec 29, 2020
- Hide in my house like an anxiety-ridden rodent. Possibly a hamster. Everybody loves hamsters, right? I resolve to be a hamster.
- Gain 10 pounds. Way ahead of schedule on this one. Only two more pounds to go.
- Sink into a deep depression and yet continue to churn out things that are meant to be “funny” in a never-ending cycle of hope and despair. Look at all of the greats — Dostoevsky, Hunter S. Thompson, John Belushi. They were all depressed train wrecks, and yet they produced vast quantities of work and entertained millions of people. I resolve to be a weird, disturbing mash-up of Dostoevsky, Thompson, and Belushi. I’m going to need more alcohol.
- Wait patiently for the mothership to return. Wait, what? Forget I said that.
- Never touch another human being. This includes doctors. Hey, OB/GYN, get some binoculars. It’s a no-fly zone, there’s nothing’s going on down there anyway.
- Only eat cold take-out or food that I’ve made myself, also cold.
- Lie to myself that I could totally do those dances on Tik Tok, but that I choose not to. Also, Olympic-level gymnastics doesn’t look that hard and what’s the big deal about tennis? I…
