My Pet Octopus Has Stolen My Identity

Bev Potter
3 min readFeb 20, 2022
Photo by Donald Giannatti on Unsplash

[JANUARY 12, 4:24 P.M.]

Hey Facebook Fam!

Big news! I got a pet octopus!!!!! I KNOW, RIGHT?? Crazy! It’s such a “me” thing to do, like that time I got a tattoo from a guy I met in the alley next to the liquor store. Thank God for antibiotics.

So my octopus’s name is Squishy McSquishface and I had to convert my entire living room into a saltwater fish tank so he’d have plenty of room to… swim, I guess? I don’t actually know that much about octopuses. I think they eat fish.

I have some Gorton’s fish sticks in the freezer. That’ll have to do until I get this all figured out.

I know what you’re thinking — how is this even legal? Well, the guy I bought Squish from assured me that octopuses aren’t endangered or anything and it’s not like I’m buying a lion or an alligator or something. An octopus isn’t going to break free and eat people. Probably.

I’M KIDDING!! Squish is definitely not going to eat anybody. He’s just a squishy ol’ pile of squishiness.

Anyway, the guy gave me a license for Squish, so it’s totally legit. The license looks kind of like an Uno card with an octopus sticker on it, but I’m sure it’s fine.



Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is