HUMOR

My Panera Delivery Included a Brownie and This Rabid Honey Badger I Didn’t Order

Photo by Mitch Mitchell on Unsplash

Dear Panera Survey Invitation:

Thank you for the opportunity to express my feelings about a recent delivery order I placed. I hope this little box is sufficient to list the several errors which have left me less than satisfied and also placed me in mortal danger.

I chose a Pick Two© half turkey sandwich and a cup of Mexican corn chowder. The chowder was not great. A chef would say that the cream base broke during the cooking process. I, on the other hand, would say that it looked like a cup of cat vomit.

What’s more, the little tortilla strips that came with it were stale. It felt briefly like I was chewing leather. Blue, salty leather.

I also ordered two delicious bear claws, one for me and one for also me.

What I received was one bear claw, a brownie, and this rabid honey badger that I’ve managed to trap under my desk with an office chair.

I understand that sometimes substitutions are necessary. I guess you hope the customer isn’t allergic to chocolate and also doesn’t mind being mauled to death by one of nature’s most perfect killing machines.

What I really object to…