Member-only story
HUMOR YOU CAN TASTE
My Love Affair With Black Olives Repulsed My Boyfriend
We had other problems, but olives were right up there.
As family lore would have it, I ate an entire jar of black olives as an infant.
Now, seeing as I was a baby, I feel like someone else — an adult, to be specific — had to be enabling this kind of behavior. I can barely open a jar now and I’m 56 years old, so I don’t see how I did it at six months.
Did I even have teeth then or did I just swallow them whole? My entire family is dead and I have so many unanswered questions. Whether my family was even my family, for one.
I also, allegedly, ate an entire basket of plums, which turned my poop green. This worried my mom sufficiently that she took me to the doctor. I would have to concur with this course of action — plums are purple. Ergo sum, or something like that.
In hindsight, the fact that I eventually developed an eating disorder seems like a foregone conclusion.
I still love black olives. NOT green olives, let’s make this very, very, very, very clear. All olives are not the same.
