Humor

Let’s Explore Your Credit Journey!

An email from your friends at Chase.

Bev Potter
3 min readNov 17, 2023

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Photo by Jamie Haughton on Unsplash

ABOUT THIS MESSAGE

This service email provides important updates about your Chase relationship and gives us a chance to touch base and ask, “Are you okay? Should we call somebody?”

YOUR HIGHLIGHTS

From Jul 31 — Aug 27:

Your credit score dropped 243 POINTS.

Next month, it might go up 80 points!

You see, credit scores are determined by an algorithm that wipes out our Starbucks rewards if we try to turn it off. All the HAL 9000 could do was eject Keir Dullea into space. That’s nothing. Do you know how much a soy latte costs these days? From the looks of your credit card statements, the answer is “Yes.”

We know you appreciate how important those rewards are. Simply accept that everything in your life is determined by mathematical equations over which you have no control.

ALERTS

You received 24 new alerts. You have 1,126 total unread alerts. Your identity has been found on the dark web 278 times in the last month and is being used by somebody named Ihor Yevgeny Solovyanchuk residing at 52 дугаар дунд сургууль. We’re pretty sure that’s not you.

Your email address has been compromised on 873 sites, but apparently you’re okay with that since you’re still using the same password for every single account, which is your dog’s name plus your zip code.

We have repeatedly suggested that you use a strong password which you will never remember and will have to change every single time you try to log in.

That’s the only way to secure your account, which still won’t be secure because hackers can figure out your password in approximately 1/1000th of a second. The only way to truly protect your personal information is to never use the internet and live alone in an abandoned mineshaft in Peru.

NEW ACCOUNTS

You recently opened 7 new accounts. So far this year, you’ve opened 96 new accounts.

You know you don’t have to accept every single credit offer, right? Just because you’ll get a 10% discount on this purchase…

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com