Society

Jeffrey Dahmer’s Dad Lives Around The Corner From Me

I wish he’d mow his lawn more often.

Lionel Dahmer (Image: Investigation Discovery)

I’ve never had kids, but I know you can’t control how they turn out. Nobody has children and thinks, “Boy, I hope my kids become drug addicts one day.”

You try to raise your kids to be good, law-abiding citizens. Some parents are better at that than others.

But in the end, you can’t control whether your kids start using drugs, or whether they’re rude to strangers, or whether, over a span of many years, they horrifically murder 17 people.

These things just happen.

The paramedics spend a lot of time at Mr. Dahmer’s house. But in between visits from the fire department, he appears to be a tough old coot who still mows his own yard (just not to my exacting standards).

I wouldn’t mind owning Mr. Dahmer’s house if it were to come on the market — I already have some major renovations in mind.

I don’t like yellow, so it’s getting a paint job. I think a fence out front would be cute. Get rid of the trees. Maybe buy some goats. Goats make everything better.

Sorry, Zillow, but no way is that place worth $380,000. It doesn’t even have goats.