OPINION|SOCIETY

I’ve Gained Three Pounds Since the Election From Doom Eating

Americans are looking for comfort in all the wrong places

Photo by 愚木混株 cdd20 on Unsplash

Remember “It’s morning in America” from the 1984 Reagan campaign?

Well, now it’s nighttime in America, and our faces are illuminated by screens as we try to scroll our way back to some sense of normalcy.

I’ve gained three pounds since the election from doom eating.

Someone on Twitter told me they’ve gained 10.

But it’s tough when food is your drug of choice and your intestines are the police.

I’m not a kid anymore who can eat an entire bag of Nacho Cheese Combos in one sitting. And that Panera Garden Caprese sandwich, which I inhaled yesterday in all its greasy goodness, is now making a run for the border at 15 to 30-minute intervals.

Or maybe my personal Mount Vesuvius is the result of that $8 probiotic juice drink I bought by accident that tasted like a cow pasture smells.

I drank half out of principle and threw away the other $4. It almost killed me to pour it down the drain, where it’s probably nourishing a new super race of bacteria.