Humor

I’ve Decided to Use an Hourglass to Tell Time

Please plan accordingly.

Bev Potter
3 min readNov 24, 2023

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Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

Hey, fam! Just thought I’d let you know that from now on, I’ve decided to use an hourglass to tell time!

I know some of you are going to say, “What the hell is wrong with you?” and “Have you been licking caulk again?”

I’d like to emphasize that my decision to use an hourglass to tell time is in fact a symbolic blow against horological tyranny and that I’ve almost completely kicked my caulk-licking habit.

Sure, any idiot can ask Siri to multiply 154 times 3,586 and get the correct answer in less than a second. But how can that compare to the soothing click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click of an abacus?

Sometimes the old ways are the best, like when we didn’t know cholesterol was bad and went ape-wild at Golden Corral every Sunday.

And just look at the smooth, sinuous curves of an hourglass. What more could you ask from a timepiece than to literally watch your life drain away as each teeny, tiny, pointless moment disappears into a pile of equally teeny, tiny, pointless moments?

“Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshit,” it whispers.

And since I can only measure time in one-hour increments that are completely random, and because sometimes I drop the hourglass and have to start all over (a little caulk on my fingers would completely solve that problem, just sayin’), please adjust your expectations accordingly if we’re, say, supposed to meet at a restaurant or go to the movies.

Sure, we were supposed to meet at 8:00, but time flies — literally — if you put an hourglass on top of your car and then forget about it. If I had caulked it to the top of my car, I might’ve gotten to Red Lobster before midnight.

But no. Everybody’s all, “Caulk contains toxic solvents that emit VOCs, biocides, phthalates, organotin catalysts, isocyanates, antifreeze, and flame retardants,” and “You need an intervention.”

Well, I’m willing to risk a little brain damage if it means I can eat limitless Cheddar Bay biscuits.

Anyway, for my new system to work, you’re all going to need your own hourglasses that we turn over at the same time and then protect like little baby bunnies until we reach our destination.

I suggest Hourglasses-R-Us or the guy selling jeans out of the trunk of his car behind the Dollar Store for all your hourglass needs.

You can even make your own hourglass using two clear plastic cups, an ice pick, a handful of kitty litter, and some caulk.

If you have any caulk left over, just leave it out by the street in a brown paper bag and I’ll… recycle it. Yeah.

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com